The following is a guest post by Dawn Altnam. Her bio is at the end of the article.
Having a site that nobody reads is the greatest thing since sliced bread. After all, you get to go through all of the work of designing a website, paying for hosting and producing a wide range of materials to go on it, all to sit in front of your computer and be the only person who sees it.
Don’t worry, though, there are plenty of great methods to use to make sure that visitors never find or read your website, letting you keep it all to yourself!
Writing engaging, relevant content is a sure way to attract visitors, so make sure you only talk about yourself, your products and what you want. Don’t bother thinking about what someone visiting your site wants. Brainstorm your two most obscure hobbies or interests, find their common ground and write long, academic posts about this topic. In addition, make sure to include lots of content about how awesome you are and how many obscure awards you have received.
A horrible website design is sure to keep visitors from staying on your site. The best way to make sure that nobody reads what’s on your site is by choosing a text color and background color that are as close to each other as possible. Dark gray on black is perfect, or maybe lime green on highlighter yellow. In addition, make sure that music from your favorite decade automatically plays at the loudest possible volume beginning from the moment your website loads. Lastly, use a combination of huge and tiny text sizes in your blocks of content to emphasize your points and downplay the parts of your writing that you would rather people not read.
With search engines as sophisticated as they are, you need to make sure you don’t use any phrases related to the topic of your website, or they would help people find your site through searches. In addition, there are tons of companies that will manage advertising campaigns for you, particularly by posting PPC ads that will only cost you when people actually land on your site. Of course, because you don’t want visitors on your site, PPC is definitely not the way to go. In addition, you should make sure to never post comments or write guest posts on blogs, because people may actually enjoy those.
If a visitor does happen to find his way onto your site, you want to make sure he won’t make it past the landing page. Therefore, forget the usual sidebars or navigation buttons across the top of the screen. Instead, link to the next page with the period at the end of your last sentence, or even better, with an invisible button that measures one pixel in each direction. Also, please remember that you should never include a built-in search feature on your website. That would make it way too easy for people to find what they are looking for.
When your goal is to drive traffic away from your site, these tips will definitely help you out. Of course, if you have the opposite goal and would rather increase your website traffic, you could always just reverse the methods. That might actually bring people to your website rather than driving them away.
Dawn Altnam lives and works in the Midwest, and she writes on behalf of Hanapin Marketing. After furthering her education, she has spent some time researching her interests and blogging of her discoveries often. Follow her on Twitter! @DawnAltnam